Moving Mountains

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20)

Oh, what a journey! God's love keeps multiplying to this day that I think it's best to highlight the dates...

Saturday, October 28th, 2017: Edison's older brother (Kuya Edsel), along with family and close friends organized a fundraiser ("Party for a Purpose") to help us. As if people's prayers and good thoughts haven't helped us enough, everyone's generosity, service, and love that made the fundraiser such a smashing success, were just what Edison needed to push on ahead with his final chemo round!

Sunday, November 5th: Blood work before his final chemo round that week. While there was a feeling of general dread, as he always had in past rounds, there was also a sense of hope. We could definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Friday, November 10th: Final chemo bottle was taken out! Here's a screen shot of my Facebook post to commemorate the end of the treatment phase of our journey...

 It was a salute to Edison's post in June on his very first chemotherapy session.

So we'd reached the summit of Mt. Everest! The end of each treatment session truly felt like reaching a camp through the mountain trek, and the end of the final chemo session felt like reaching the summit!

Now we are on our climb down the mountain, as Edison recovers through the end of the year... hoping to reach base camp (our new normal) at the beginning of the new year, when he goes back to work.

It's funny that I've had this image of Mt. Everest; a couple of weeks after the end of his treatment, I asked Edison, "What do you know now that you didn't know then (before you had cancer)?"

He replied, "That prayers can move mountains."

Indeed they can.

There was another journey that Edison was on - it was a journey of his heart and how it needed to be one with God. So upon hearing him profess his faith in the power of prayers, my heart was filled with so much hope! If prayers could move this mountain of his battle with cancer, then prayers would also move the mountain that was in between him and his Savior.

Friday, November 24th: We were blessed beyond words when Fr. Ray paid us a visit! A brief background - Edison and I fell in love when we were youth ministers at St. Patrick's Church in downtown San Francisco. He was an altar server and I was in the choir, among our other ministries. Together with Sister Gloria, Fr. Ray was a Spiritual Director for the parish youth. What a blessing to have the youth group become part of our family, and that Fr. Ray has continued to guide all of us through the years: for most of us, he was the one who prepared us for our respective marriages, officiated our weddings, baptized our children, blessed our homes, etc. It was only natural for me to then reach out to him when Edison needed the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick.

We were so grateful that despite his hectic schedule, he was able to take the time to drive from his new parish in San Francisco to our home in Tracy. He surprised us by saying that he was actually going to minister a "sacrament within a sacrament:" Anointing of the Sick within the Eucharist. Very emotional... but the one moment that touched me the most was during the Consecration of the Bread and Wine when Edison rang the bell, just as he used to do so many times, all those years ago as an altar server. Talk about Mt. Everest! It was as if Edison reached the summit of his other mountain! The Holy Spirit has definitely worked through Fr. Ray in helping Edison with the journey of his heart.

Such a bonus that Fr. Ray even stayed for the Balingit Family tradition of putting up our Christmas tree on the Friday after Thanksgiving!
 

Today, Sunday, December 3rd: As if on cue, as the church celebrates the new liturgical year, we are turning a new leaf on our journey. Edison no longer required to have a Eucharistic Minister visit our home this past Friday. For the first time since his treatment, Edison joined the kids and me for Mass this morning! My heart was bursting with joy! When the priest said, "Let us pray the prayer that Jesus taught us," and Edison and I laced our fingers together to pray the Our Father, my joy finally burst out of my eyes in the form of tears! I hadn't realized how much I missed holding his hand during this part of the Mass until I held it again at church this morning. What a wonderful way to celebrate the First Sunday of Advent!

Thank You, Lord, for such a hopeful longing for Your coming! We continue to communicate with You through prayer, as we keep our faith that nothing is impossible when we love You and put You first in everything we do! Amen.

#TeamThrive                    

I Choose Joy

"I choose joy... I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God." (Max Lucado)

It’s been a few months since I wrote a blog. Edison asked last week when I would write one again, and now here I am...

My brother, who has been raising money for us through GoFundMe, gave updates via Facebook almost everyday since the page was set up at the end of July. I then took the liberty to focus on the challenges ahead of us at the time. Edison's last two weeks of radiation was, as the radiation oncologist had predicted, the most brutal of the seven weeks of radiation. On top of the already lingering issues of painful mouth sores, frustrating inability to eat, and general depressed state of his spirit, Edison experienced yet another blow! The right side of his neck (where his metastasized cancer lump showed up, and consequently received a higher dose of radiation than the rest of his head and neck) began to blister and scar. At this point, his neck was already burned, like charred corn that was left a little bit too long in the grill. I had a feeling that the burns, blister, and scar were merely superficial indications of the even greater physical pain underneath all that.

Those final two weeks of radiation not only proved to be the hardest for Edison, but for me as well. I had the blessing of being able to care for my husband full-time during the summer, but as August rolled in, the kids had to go back to school and I had to go back to work. It was very difficult to "not worry about anything; instead, pray for everything," as St. Paul instructed the Philippians (4:6). I had to keep my sanity intact though, so instead of worrying about things I couldn't control, I prayed for everything: I thanked God that I was able to care for Edison when I did; for the compassionate doctors and nurses He put on our team; for our wonderful family and friends who never left our side during this trial; and I also prayed for more strength in the months to come.

And just like a breath of fresh air, as soon as Edison finished his final radiation session, his parents came back from their vacation in the Philippines. My in-laws volunteered to stay with us until the end of Edison's treatment plan, which at the time still included: four weeks of recovery, one week of chemo (Round 2), three weeks of recovery, another week of chemo (Round 3), three weeks of recovery, the final week of chemo (Round 4), and recovery to the end of the year before going back to work.

I felt relief for my husband. It doesn't matter how old we get; when we see our parents, we just want them to kiss our boo-boos and believe that their kiss would make the boo-boos magically go away. My whole life I've always relied on my parents for support, but through the past summer, I've emotionally and spiritually leaned on them even more. I could always count on my dad to make me smile, and on my mom to give me that extra boost of courage. So I had no doubt about the wonders that having his parents around would do for my husband's spirit!

Each week leading up to his second round of chemotherapy was a miracle upon another miracle. He started taking liquids through his mouth, then soft solids, and ever so slowly but surely, he regained his strength. On the eve of his chemotherapy session, he compared himself to a cell phone with a battery life of 85 percent - he was feeling pretty well! He sure was dreading the next day though because he knew his strength would be depleted again. Sure enough, the grueling six hours of chemotherapy in the hospital, followed by a "take home" chemotherapy pack that would be infused over the next four days took him back to "50% battery life."

His body has been through so much at this point; I always called him my true-to-life warrior! He regained some strength but developed mouth sores again, which we totally did not expect. Because he was not able to feed through his mouth, it was becoming clear that he would not be back to 85 percent, where he was before his second round of chemo. Edison was growing ever more frustrated that he could not eat - especially when we could all smell the scrumptious aroma of his mom's cooking! Perhaps even more frustrating for him was that my birthday fell on the week of his third round of chemo. I told him that we've essentially already celebrated when we had our family and friends over a couple of weeks prior for a four-way birthday party: Sally's (one of our closest friends), Belle's (my sister), Alison's (our daughter), and mine!

The week of his third round of chemo arrives and he is at "65% battery life," which is not as hopeful as the last one. My warrior battles on and the prayer brigade, which has never stopped praying by the way, amplifies the volume of prayers sent up to heaven for my warrior's continued healing and strength. He spends the dreaded six hours of chemotherapy in the hospital that Monday, and is again sent home with a chemotherapy pack that is infused over the next four days. That week when I wake up on Thursday, my birthday, I feel like it is an ordinary day. I already know it is going to be an emotional day though because in my head, I have a birthday candle and I have only one wish that I could think of.

Before leaving for work, I wake Edison up as I always do: I pray over him and give him his pain and anti-nausea medication. As he weakly mutters, "Happy Birthday, Beb!" tears come running down my cheeks. It still is a "happy" birthday indeed, I thought, because while we are going through such a difficult time in our life, there is no place I'd rather be! As if that is not emotional enough, God's reflections of love keep shining through all day. My 7th Grade homeroom class surprises me with balloons, decorations, card, and food. Birthday cards, messages, and gifts keep coming from people I love - my colleagues, my parents, my brother, my sister, my in-laws, and lots more family and friends. I get home and I find a balloon and cupcakes in our dining area. My mother-in-law tearfully says to me that Edison, with as little "battery life" he has that day, has stubbornly driven himself to the store to get me the surprises! I get up to our bedroom and gently scold him that he is not supposed to do that, that I will have totally understood, and what is he thinking! That's when he hands me a card with such a heartfelt message, and a massage gift certificate to boot!

So yes, I will always choose joy... because it somehow just multiplies even if I don't mean it to... because problems are indications of our blessings, as my fabulous friend says... and because life really is full of nice surprises when your heart is in a joyful place and is ready to receive more of it!

As Edison continues to recuperate from his last round of chemotherapy, please keep him and our family in your prayers. It's been a brutal battle, but we find solace in Christ as always.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

#TeamThrive

Bayanihan

"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13:35)
 
It seemed as if Edison and I were fighting something new each week. By Week 4, it was vomiting spells! It was particularly frustrating for me, as I tried so hard to stick to the routine that I've set up for him beginning on Week 3. I was so proud of the progress that we've made: I've finally come to terms with us using the feeding tube four weeks earlier than anticipated. As long as we were able to maintain his schedule - Edison taking 8 cans of formula - then he'd be able to maintain his weight.

But just like everything else since we'd started the battle, we were yet again taken into a surprise minefield. The very first time he had to run to the sink and vomited what seemed like 2 whole cans of formula, I just about crumpled to the ground. For breastfeeding mothers, it's the equivalent of you watching 16 ounces of your precious breast milk that you've worked so hard to pump, accidentally getting knocked all over the kitchen floor! Just horrifying!

Watching Edison's suffering through Weeks 4 and 5 never got easier to bear. With a new strain of cold/cough, his gag reflex working against him when he uses the "magic mouthwash," and chemo side effects finally catching up to him, the vomiting spells just kept coming! You would think that after a while, I'd be able to tune out his helpless heaving. No. In a way, we really were in the same boat: he, having no control over his body, and I, wanting to do anything to make him feel better, but ending up feeling helpless just the same. "One day at a time," I would whisper to him often when days seemed to drag on longer, and the end was nowhere near in sight.

By the end of Week 5, Edison only had one more chemo session and 13 radiation sessions left. With our friends coming over that weekend, it truly felt like a 7th inning stretch! Almost there!!!

And when it rains, it pours... Since then, more blessings were showered upon us! Russell, my younger brother, who lives in Seattle, created, in support of Edison, a gofundme account, which generated a whole new set of well wishers - and from all over the world! It has definitely boosted Edison's morale!

Kuya Edsel, Edison's older brother, is also planning a local fundraiser in a couple of months. We are just truly overwhelmed by all this love! I am in awe with deep gratitude that even though we live far away from one another, we still have the spirit of bayanihan within us. ("Bayanihan" refers to the spirit of communal unity, work and cooperation to achieve a particular goal. - The Bayanihan Spirit)

We will forever be indebted to your love and kindness. Maraming salamat po! (Thank you very much!)#TeamThrive

Treatment Countdown:
Chemo sessions done for now - yay!
Radiation sessions: 28 down... 7 to go!

More prayers please! 

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
Scenes from my life flashed across the sky,
In each, I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints;
other times there was only one.

During the lowest times of my life
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said, "Lord, you promised me,
that you would walk with me always.
Why, when I have needed you most would you leave me?"

The Lord replied, "My precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
The times when you have seen only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

"Guess what I found," Edison told me a couple of months ago. To say that May 2017 was a stressful time is an understatement: Edison's cancer diagnosis had just been confirmed; I was wrapping up my first year of teaching; Edward was studying for his Freshman finals; Alison was preparing for her 8th Grade graduation; and we were at the final stages of our move to Tracy.

"What?" I asked curiously.

Edison then showed me a worn out business card-sized copy of "Footprints in the Sand." I had given it to him almost two decades ago when we were still dating. "It's my favorite," he said.

"Oh, wow!" I half-whispered in astonishment, as I examined the card. "Yeah, it's one of my favorites too."  

Fast forward to today... who would have thought that Edison finding the beautiful poem was merely a gentle reminder for what was ahead of us then? 

First of all, praise and thanksgiving be to God that we pulled off our cruise to Mexico! It served as the anchor by which we were able to escape the craze of May/early June and the struggle of Edison's treatment ahead, even for but a brief moment in time.

 

On the first day of his treatment, Edison's optimism was at its all-time high! 

Screenshot of Edison's Facebook post; he got tons of well wishes!

Two days later, we were propelled into the horrors of the treatment phase of our journey! Edison got a feeding tube in his stomach, an outpatient procedure that added two weeks to him needing assistance in making sure it doesn't get infected. (We were just about to finish making sure that his port placement was infection-free!) After 7 sessions of radiation, the insides of Edison's cheeks developed sores, which made it very painful for him to even put food in his mouth. We started using his feeding tube 4 weeks earlier than anticipated!

I expressed my concern to the radiation oncologist. He said he wasn't surprised that Edison couldn't eat and swallow only after the second week of treatment. He said that Edison was thin to begin with, and didn't have any fat in his neck to take the radiation, so it went straight to the his mouth and throat. The doctor looked at the back of his throat and said it looked like a bad sun burn! 

However, while we were already using the feeding tube, Edison still needed to practice swallowing, lest he lose muscle function. Watching him wince in pain as he swallowed water or Ensure was always tough for me to watch. Fatigue had also become permanent. He once described it to me: "You know when you're so tired by the end of a work day? Then you sleep it off, you wake up, and you feel better? For me, even after I sleep it off, I wake up and I still feel the same."  My heart bled for him. I couldn't imagine feeling so trapped in your own body like that!

By the third week, he expressed feeling the "lowest of the low," battling a cold that aggravated the radiation side effects even more. I tried to set up a routine for him, to make sure that he didn't spend a lot of time just lying down, adding to his depressed state. 

A typical day for Edison on non-chemo days: We pray first thing in the morning, and then I give him anti-nausea and pain medication. I let him go back to sleep, so that after an hour, the meds will have kicked in and he is ready to start his day: magic mouth wash (prescribed by his radiation oncologist) + Biotene mouth wash + Biotene toothpaste, all to help with his dry mouth; family meditation in our backyard; first feeding (two 250 mL casein-soy protein blend); morning walk; and jaw exercises. At noon, we have the second feeding of the day, shower, oral care routine, then off to radiation in Modesto. We spend time with Edward and Alison after radiation: afternoon walks, board games, movies, tv shows, etc. The following: feeding, oral care routine, and jaw exercises - is done two more times, once in the late afternoon and finally late at night. In between all this, Edison would take naps, watch his favorite tv shows, correspond with friends, and keep phone appointments with doctors. On Fridays, a Eucharistic Minister from our new parish comes to our home and gives him Communion. 

I think dark days exist so that even the slightest hint of light could give us a glimmer of hope... a ray of light would be considered a miracle! As our friends' wedding approached, prayers for Edison's strength and stamina were a tall order. But alas, from Thursday's (7/6) wedding rehearsal, all the way to Edison's dance numbers on Saturday's (7/8) wedding, his strength and stamina held up! It was nothing short of a miracle!

Edison's Treatment Countdown as of today:

Chemotherapy - 4 DOWN... 2 to go!

Radiation - 16 DOWN... 19 to go!

I look at the "16 days down" for radiation, and I feel that there have definitely been more bad days than good. "Footprints in the Sand" has never felt more real! I honestly do not know how we get through each day... and then I am reminded of this beautiful poem and I think, "Jesus! Of course it's Jesus who's carrying us right now! There is no other explanation..."

To those of you who have continued to pray for us, cheer us up, visit us, bring us healthy food, and keep us company in this journey, may the picture I've painted through this blog update show you why I appreciate all that you do for our family! Edison and I will forever be grateful for the love that you've shown us during such a trying time for us. Jesus has been carrying us through you! #TeamThrive

1 DOWN...

During the chemotherapy class that Edison and I attended last month, the oncology nurse-presentor shared with us the oncology team's goal:

"To deliver state-of-the-art cancer care to our patients with compassion, caring, and safety"

So far, so good!

Edison's first chemotherapy session yesterday went as smoothly as it could. The oncology nurse was indeed compassionate and caring. She was experienced and knowledgeable, and thus Edison felt safe under her care.

First hour: Oral premeds for anti-nausea and stamina were given, along with an IV of magnesium to replace electrolytes that Edison would lose due to chemo.

Second hour: Chemo via IV

Final hour: IV of saline for hydration - apparently, his particular chemo is harsh on the kidneys, so this final hour helps flush the toxins out.

We then headed off to Edison's radiation appointment, which we were told was the final fitting and treatment simulation. We learned today that he had actually already received his first radiation treatment yesterday after the simulation.

So our countdown as of yesterday:

Chemotherapy - 1 DOWN... 5 to go!

Radiation - 1 DOWN... 34 to go!

We are so blessed to have [Edison's older brother] Kuya Edsel's love and devotion! Right off the bat, he had stepped up to the plate and told us he would drive us to and from all of Edison's chemotherapy sessions. Thank you, Kuya! Just to not have to think about driving during such a stressful time is a blessing in itself, but Edison and I are truly grateful for everything else that you do for us... and we thank [sister-in-law] Sissy/Apple for supporting Kuya in all this!

We are also moved by the outpouring of well wishers as Edison shared his journey to the Facebook world - thank you all so much! #TeamThrive has multiplied! Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we enter the treatment phase of our journey.

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." (Psalm 94:19)

What Cancer Cannot Do

Sharing with you this beautiful poem that I read at the reception area of our radiation oncologist. As we continued to live our life as normally as possible after Edison's cancer diagnosis, we basically lived the poem's essence! 

"WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO"

Author Unknown

It cannot cripple love.

Kuya Edsel's Birthday Celebration (San Jose)

It cannot shatter hope.

 Happy Easter! (Tracy)

It cannot corrode faith.

Amara's Birthday Celebration (Daly City)

It cannot suppress memories.

Belle's Mother's Day Treat (Daly City)

It cannot silence courage.

14th Wedding Anniversary/Mother's Day Celebration (San Francisco)

It cannot kill friendship.

John's Bachelor Party Weekend (Las Vegas)

 

Karen's Birthday GNO (San Francisco)

It cannot steal eternal life.

Godson Gabe's Christening (American Canyon)

It cannot conquer the spirit.

 Alison's 8th Grade Graduation (Colma)

It cannot destroy peace.

Ma & Daddy's Surprise Retirement Party (Vallejo)

It cannot invade the soul.

Today's Port Placement (Modesto)

Thank you for your continued support and prayers! #TeamThrive

"For with God, nothing shall be impossible." (Luke 1:37)

Strength In Christ and In Numbers

We were waiting to be called for Edison's radiology oncologist appointment last Thursday and it was taking longer than expected. Having mastered the art of "making margaritas when life's given us limes," I thought about interviewing Edison while waiting at the reception area. I told him that I want the blog to have more of his voice.  

Audrey: Name the top three emotions that you're feeling right now.

Edison: Anxious... concerned... hopeful!

A: I'm glad you're hopeful! I know this hasn't been the best of times, but what is the best thing that's happened since you were diagnosed with cancer?

E: The positive thoughts from the support group [#TeamThrive].

A: Yes, we've been blessed with amazing support. Any words of advice for us who will continue supporting you in this journey?

E: If I am quiet, it doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the support. You don't have to worry that I'm holding my feelings in. Sometimes, the support just gets so overwhelming; I just need a break. Sometimes, I just want to process things myself.

A: Let's dream! After all this is over, what are the top three things you want to cross off your bucket list?

E: Travel more - Paris! Try more restaurants - House of Prime Rib and more sushi places! And probably be more open to talk about my emotions and be ok to ask for help. You know me, I like to do it all. Now I know it's ok to ask for help.

A: I notice that you always play [Starship's] "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" every time we drive to your medical appointments in Modesto. Kuma-KathNiel tayo? (laughs) [Channeling Kathryn Bernardo and Daniel Padilla, Philippine cinema's current #1 love team]

E: I didn't even notice that I was doing that.

A: Yes, you do. So I was wondering what that's about...

E: I've always liked that song in general. But now it's like our song during this time of our life... because you know, "nothing's gonna stop us." (smiles) But another song that I like listening to now is [Sara Bareilles'] "Brave."

A: Any message to those who are praying for you?

E: I'm truly blessed. Like what you said [on the last blog], I knew people loved me but I didn't know it was this much. I don't think they realize that their messages are what keep me going.

A: What are the best lessons from this experience so far?

E: Not to take anything for granted. Every memory has flashed in my head. Life is short. We don't know what tomorrow brings. Whenever I see cancer foundation commercials on TV, I now see it from their [cancer patients'] perspective. I probably don't have it as bad as some of them, but I now know how they feel. Before, I always just hear the words, "Live life to the fullest" or "Live each day as though it were the last." Now I know they actually mean something.

 

Audrey: Speaking of life and time, I made a mistake on the last blog. We've been together 19 years altogether - not 18! Time flies when you're having fun, huh?

And in true Edison fashion, he just smiled thoughtfully... It's funny how it's been 19 years and I can still feel butterflies in my stomach when he does that! (Cue: Intro to "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now") 😍😄

We felt hopeful after the meeting. We headed to the chemotherapy class next, which gave us more gear (information) for the upcoming battle. We realize that we all have a cross to bear. Edison and I are just so blessed that we never had to carry ours alone. There truly is "strength in numbers" with you, our prayer brigade, who's been there with us right from the beginning! Above all, we have Christ who strengthens us all. Thank You, Lord, for the gifts of faith, family, and friends! #TeamThrive